


Love

by SharpestRose



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-07-01
Updated: 2011-07-01
Packaged: 2017-10-20 21:52:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/217453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SharpestRose/pseuds/SharpestRose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Innocence angst.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Love

And then he was gone.

I don’t mean in a ‘dream on, schoolgirl, your boyfriend is dead’ way. Gone as in no longer standing in the hallway, grabbing Willow by the throat. The wall was hard and somehow sticky against my back. Somewhere, my brain realised that it was cold sweat between my skin and the cotton of my shirt that made the sticky sensation.

Xander was saying my name, somewhere. Somewhere far away. I was hiding. Hiding in that place inside your head where you’re always four years old, running indoors from the swingset to get Mummy to kiss your sore knee better, or to get a lemonade popsicle before charging back out into the sun to play Power Girl with all your friends, and they’re all four as well.

I wonder, if those kids (who are all worrying about LA things in LA, Hemery things at a highschool that isn’t dark and somehow sticky against your back) had something horrible to run away from right now, some reason to hide, would they come to this playground? Would we play on the swings together, hiding away here? Maybe Mom will make one of her vanilla ice cream surprises, with the strawberry jam and chocolate.

I loved him so much. Not loved as in a past tense, but loved as in that moment, so full, so heavy, oceans of love, adoration, obsession, care, sympathy, empathy, affection, I’m sounding like thesaurus girl here, but oh god, so much love.

I loved an evil thing. But I couldn’t turn it off, like a microwave light pinging off when the time’s up. He was still everything in my world, Angel. I’d fallen in love and couldn’t climb back up. Not to say it was just the hair, and the eyes, and the curve of his upper lip, like a statue made out of marble, or the way the coat hung off his body like the perfect wrapping on a shiny christmas present. I’d fallen in love with his mind, his heart, his kindness, the way he thought of everybody before he thought of himself, the way he’d do anything, kill anything, to keep me safe.

Anyway, it didn’t matter why I started. It’s like inviting a vampire in. Once the love’s there, it’s there. And a touch of their skin against yours, any touch, is enough to make you feel this rushing and falling feeling, every layer of skin and muscle and bone and everything else all laid bare under your fingertips. When you’re away from them, you want to be near them, and when you’re near them it almost hurts.

The wall was sticky against my back, and I could feel the traces of his kiss still in my mouth, stains on my body where his hands had held me so tight it hurt like love. He still tasted the same, this mint mouthwash that he always used. I think he bought it cos he was scared of giving me a faceful of bad breath. As if I’d care about bad breath from him.

Of course, I’d never actually thought about what he’d taste like without the mouthwash. But I could taste it then. Iron. Metallic, the taste of pain. And cigarettes, for some reason. Evil Angel obviously never paid attention to those ads about what smoking does to your lungs. Could he get addicted?

He was evil and I gave a damn if he got addicted to cigarettes. Love is truly a mean, nasty person who likes to inflict cruelty.

I sucked on my lower lip, cigarettes and lingering mouthwash and pain pain pain. Pain in the blood he’d drunk, the actual iron tangy taste on my teeth. Not to mention my pain. That’s not going to be mentioned. You know how strong I said love was? Don’t even try and compare the two. And I knew it was just a taste of what I had in front of me. A teaser-trailer, a little slice of the feature in store.

I kept that taste in my mouth as long as I could. Didn’t eat, didn’t drink, didn’t brush my teeth. Just let the taste sit there. Because when you love somebody, that’s it.


End file.
